Lately, I feel like my body is falling apart. Totally dramatic, I know, but on my worst days, I can whip up some drama, people.
By now, you might know that for the last year or so, I’ve struggled with a back/hip injury. I’ve had ups and downs, and recently, it’s been more down than up. Sometimes, I hurt so much, I feel like I’m crawling out of my own skin.
I don’t share this so that you feel sorry for me. Please, I can have a pity party all on my own. I just want you to understand that wishfit is about layin’ it all out there. It’s my beliefs, my knowledge, my passion, my “never ending quest for fitness.” It’s also the wish that I have for my life and the lives’ of others. But it’s not perfect. It’s always a work-in-progress, just as I am, just as you are.
So right now my life feels a little bit, stunted, I guess. When I lived in San Diego, before I hurt my back, I loved going to the gym. Weird? Maybe, but it was where I felt strong and empowered; part of a community of like-minded friends. I felt competent. It was my career, my free time, and my social life.
Now, going to the gym just bums me out. It’s an hour-long reminder session of the things I used to do– things I feel so far away from ever doing again. I walk on the treadmill with my brain on an incessant loop: “my back hurts, my back hurts, my back hurts.” I analyze every ache and pain. I’m afraid my body won’t ever work right again. I worry about my fitness, my lifestyle, and my ability to do my job.
Obsess much? Why, yes I do, thanks for noticing.
Then I think: “Geeze, what a freakin’ whiner you are!”
For the last few weeks, it’s started to dawn on me that this challenge is meant to teach me something. I’ve tried to hold tight to that idea as I struggle to improve my attitude. I’m supposed to learn something here, and I’m just not getting it yet.
I think food is part of it. I mentioned in this post that I’ve always been better at exercise than diet. Dealing with this injury has seriously curtailed my calorie burning potential, so I can’t just eat what I want and take an extra class to burn it off. I’ve spent the last couple of months looking deeper inside myself, addressing emotions and patterns of behavior that need attention. I’m really proud of the progress I’ve made. I guess I’m not done.
I’ve also started thinking more about the stuff people struggle with; trying to be more understanding, less judgmental. My pain sucks, and it’s very real to me, but there are many people dealing with much, much worse. So even as I crab and complain, I remind myself to be grateful for the life that I have.
Maybe the pain I feel is just growing pains, as I try to become a better person. Like I said, I must be a slow learner.